WHY GALAXY'S EDGE MAY BE A BIG HYPE DUD

I HAVE A BAD FEELING ABOUT THIS…

WHY THE MILLENNIUM FALCON RIDE (AND STAR WARS LAND) MAY NEED CHANGES IMMEDIATELY AFTER OPENING- AND WHY GALAXY'S EDGE MAY BE A BIG HYPE DUD

I was one of the “Inaugural” pilots of Disney World’s “Mission: Space” in 2003. I was stunned by the centrifugal force the ride produced, to the point of concern for my then 10-year-old son. It was a “one and done” ride, where even if I wanted to I was not sure that even I, a long-term ride enthusiast and Disneyland Kid grown to an adult, would be ready to depart again even in the couple of hours I had to wait.

“Disney has been doing this forever- they have thought this all out,” I thought, even having lived 4 miles from Disneyland in 1997-1998, and personally living through the horrible Tomorrowland “makeover” (where they painted everything some weird bronze color) and witnessed the bust-out that was to be the “Rocket Rods”; easily one of Disneyland’s more notable misses.

ExtraTERRORestrial Alien Encounter was another ride that went through several changes before ultimately getting the “hook”; the original version of the attraction was an adaptation of the Alien movie franchise. The intersection of Disney with that particular storyline is still difficult to grasp today, much less in 1994, the soft opening for ExtraTERRORestrial. Disney execs knew that they had problems with the intensity of the ride, which is why they delayed its full opening until the following summer. They brought in George Lucas to add some charm and whimsy to the script, but even his version too grim. The eventual ending of the ride wound up seeing the alien explode, after all. It wasn’t for everyone.

Well, turned out that in the time I was on the West Coast, something changed; a 2016 trip to Disneyworld revealed a different “Mission”; one that had two versions of the ride: the “challenging one” and “the safe one”. I found out later that Disney badly miscalculated the impact of the ride; “Mission: Space was too realistic, with 2.5 Gs of force applied to each rider.

That G- Force balloons a person’s weight by a factor of 2.5. Most folks aren’t prepared for that sort of alteration to their body, and the change aggravated them. The guests requiring medical attention had all complained of chest pain and nausea. The majority of them had pre-existing conditions, which are specifically mentioned in the posted warning notices. With age being the common denominator of those taken to the hospital, adding warnings specifically for older riders may become necessary.

There are no less than 13 warning signs addressing pregnancy, height minimums, motion sickness, high blood pressure, heart, back or neck problems, and a recommendation that you be in good health, none of the cautions specifically address riders who are over 55 years of age. Enough guests in this age group had been taken to the hospital after experiencing Mission: Space that it became a concern. So, in 2007 Disney reduced one of the centrifuges to 1.5G for people who were more sensitive.

Many of us remember when the Indiana Jones ride was an attraction whose main selling point was that due to the ability for the ride to randomly pick the order in which the guest experienced set pieces, every “adventure” (to some degree) was never the same twice. This was akin to the Start Tours model, which offered several different adventures, so no two outings were identical.

For example, in “Jones” guests started their adventure by being presented with three doors called “The Chamber of Destiny.” One of the three doors would begin to glow more brightly than the other two, and “Mara” (The Idol of the Temple) announced which gift the passengers have chosen to receive. The doors open, and the passengers enter the Hall of Promise.

The Chamber of Destiny actualld has only one operating door and corridor. The walls and ceiling of the room were originally designed to rotate across a working doorway and a set of four façades (two on each side of the real doorway), so that three "doors" were always visible at any given time. The doors and the Hall of Promise were lit differently based on which particular chamber has been randomly chosen. Fake tracks led up to the other doors to enhance the effect. This is best noticeable in night vision videos of the ride.

“Jones” was plagued for 7 years of operation with countless “downtimes” due to the ride’s computer controlling system being unable to constantly orchestrate the random paths of the adventurers; which resulted in near collisions and the safety “stop” before that inevitability. This “stop” would halt the ride, abort all the missions at one time and cycle through ah giant “reset” like replacing bowling pins in a manual frame reset. As lights would come on to spoil the illusion, the cars, in a slow orderly “death march” fashion, would return to the ride queue. Often passengers would be taken out the exits with the car sitting where it stopped. Moreover, due to major structural issues, the walls and ceiling of the Chamber of Destiny have been stuck in one position for years

The ride was temporarily closed on September 4, 2012 for an extensive refurbishment and re-opened on December 7, 2012. Scheduled modifications included enhancements to lighting, paint, figure animation and other effects. Some lesser known changes included the Chamber of Destiny. The effect of entering different portals was changed to a projection mapping technology; same room different look.

However, one of the changes made at some point, and I think it was an “off the menu” change, was significant: Disney removed the “random” pathing of the ride cars, fixed the path to be linear, locking in the same ride experience every time. So regimented and pre-programmed was the adventure that Disney changed “Jones” ride music that composer John Williams (who scored the movies) made for the adventure, from random segmented themes, to an overture; the “synced” soundtrack for the ride (a la Space Mountain and Radiator Springs Racers) was released in a Disneyland album. My kids can recite on the soundtrack exactly where events in the ride take place. And it’s always the same. It just breaks down a lot less.

Well, I guess that being the first at something gets you some breaks, but it is interesting to see what rides have gone through “experience modifications” (like the ones mentioned) and which ones don’t. “Small World” has seen façade and ride “updates” but the experience has never really been modified since its inception. The “Haunted Mansion” and “Pirates” the same. Nips and tucks here and there, but nothing earth shattering.

Which brings us to “Star Wars Land”- the kajillion dollar expansion of Disneyland parks (both east and west coasts.) “Galaxy’s Edge” will be a whopping 14 acres. To put this in perspective, Tomorrowland is about half of that. It holds 7 rides and many attractions

Yet for its BILLION dollar price tag, “Galaxy” will host exactly TWO rides: “Battle Escape” and the “Millennium Falcon Ride.” The first, “Battle Escape” is a pre-pinned linear ride which drags its riders through a “Star Wars” adventure.

The second and more concerning is the “Falcon” ride which holds the promise that the ride will “put you in the cockpit of the Millennium Falcon, piloting the ship, shooting blasters or preparing for hyperspace – all while completing a critical mission!”

Why is it concerning:

THE FALCON RIDE

First let’s look the next line from the Disney Official page:

“But how you perform on the mission holds even bigger stakes: perform with skill and you may earn extra galactic credits,

So I see this a few different ways. Let’s start by some facts: a) I have a family of four; b) My two sons are 10 and 12; c) My boys are Autistic; d) I am a grouchy 52 year old dad; and e) The Falcon seats 6 and only one person actually “flies” the Falcon. The rest of us get dealt random things to do while one guy drives (which sounds like 1 winner and 5 door prizes to me…and I waited how long to do this?); and f) you can crash the ship.

Scenario One: One of My Boys Flies and the Other Does Not. And we get to room with 2 complete strangers to achieve a purpose and not be gang shamed. And they are probably pissed that randomly they didn’t get to pilot the ship- because of course they can do better. My kids crash and get yelled at by 2 strangers. (Painful)

Scenario Two: After a two hour wait, neither of my kids get to fly and sit in the back pushing a random button to jettison the trash. Stranger is flying the ship. Foreigner has no clue about it thinking its just a guided ride, and do nothing and laugh while the ship crashes and burns- setting up Dad to tangle with Galactic cantina owner, AWhole (more later on that…)(Painful and Lousy Experience for Kids)

Scenario Three: After a two hour wait, neither of my kids get to fly and sit in the back pushing a random button to jettison the trash. Stranger is flying the ship; this time kids who rebel and want to crash the ship because they think it would be damn funny are the two strangers. Dad loses it when kids melt down because someone crashed on purpose. The here comes AWhole.  (Painful and Lousy Experience for Kids)

Scenario Four:  I am driving the Falcon (Best Bet) and two complete strangers who are pissed they didn’t get to, pitch an attitude at me. Don’t think that will happen? Wake up from your coma! Conflict and Disneyland are getting closer and closer.

Disney- I get that you want to put as much meat through the sausage grinder, but

a)      Are you going to honor requests that parties of 4 be allowed to ride with two empty seats?

b)     What about DAS (Disability) cases, where children with emotional and developmental disabilities not only have adjustment issues with strangers cooped up in a tin can (small close quarters) but the strangers do not or will not enjoy the ride if my kids melt down or have behavioral issues? In Radiator Racers, and roller coasters, there are “single riders” and I’m even creeped out when strangers get into my Racer car (3 seats) with my kid; they always want to “spread out” and our bodies touch in ways I am not really comfortable with, but a) its outdoors and b) I do not have to interact with them.

c)      What happens when cultural issues or on “religious grounds” one group needs to not interact with others?

d)     Why are you telling me I’ll be happy and enjoy it when any of the above scenarios happen? Isn’t that what I pay you for? The Happiest Place…more like the Most Disappointing.

But wait there’s more. From the Official Page:

“While bringing the ship back banged up could put you on the list of a bounty hunter. End up on Harkos’s list and you may face a problem if you show up at the local cantina.”

Public shaming at Disneyland! Hooray! We get long lines, crowded stores and restaurants, higher gate fees, more “blockout dates” and now Dad’s gonna have some intergalactic cantina owner AWhole on his case! That’s what the 50 year and older crowd wants- intergalactic fighting.

Yeah...let one person come up to me while its 100 degrees and humid, while the crowds linger and my kids are tired and hungry and I’m at a dad’s limit of the complaining…my kids have a lousy ride on the Falcon (see earlier) and are crying over it…and while I am paying 80 bucks for lunch, some character is going throw me intergalactic attitude. I can speak for 80% of the non-gaming public when I say that’s just a not well thought out idea. And how’s that going to work with foreigners who speak no English- International Bullying? AWhole is going to have a galaxy of problems from me.

My guess is that this facet (like the ATT cards on “Jones”) will be gone in 6 months. Or six fights. Whichever comes first. Because Walt created a “berm” to segregate me from the “real world”- and its troubles! Is it metaphoric and telling that “Galaxy” is outside the “berm”? I have enough conflict and struggles in my real life! You think I want tension from AWhole when I Paid to take my kids to Star Wars Land?

So, let’s recap this and simplify this for the players at home:

“We Imagineers Spent a Billion Dollars to Give You Something You Can’t Control, Allow Your Children to Fail and Ruin a Childhood Wish, and Trust Complete Strangers to Make Your Experience Magical and then Subject you to Harassment by Our Cast! All in Good Fun?”

Does any of what I described to you sound fun? I don’t think so either.

I’ll say it: Some ideological moron thought they would teach us all how to be better people by forcing us into a situation where we would not normally be. The hubris believes that even though your trip can actually go south, meaning you’ll have to get in line again if you want the best ending, you’re willing to stand there for 3 hours for the “learning opportunity.”

“Disney may not mind that people won’t succeed on their first try,” notes VentureBeat in a lengthy feature on the new ride. “Just as you don’t tend to beat a video game on your first try, you probably won’t get the best possible outcome the first time you ride the Millennium Falcon attraction. That could just encourage you even more to ride it again. And if you don’t have enough time to ride it again that day, it could encourage you to come back to the park just to have another swing at it.” 

The problem with this stupid analogy- a really, really stupid analogy, is that a) I can play my video game at my leisure, b) I can do it in my own home, c) I do not have to pay over 100 bucks a person to get into my own home, and d) once I get inside my home I do not have to stand there for 3 hours to play the game a second time.

The most stupid part (who writes that crap?) of that notion is that nowhere is it addressed how the roles in the “game” will be defined. There is no situation I see where I don’t succeed on my first try, wait three hours and I am guaranteed the same spot on the ride to “better my game”- what I tell the 16 year old putting people in groups “gee I messed up last time, so I really need to drive again…” Ever asked for the first row on a popular roller coaster? You go to the side and wait. And hope no one else asks.

If it’s anything like the other meat grinders in the park, you randomly get assigned a row or a “dot” on the ground. There is no promise anyone will get any role, and that’s why it’s a rick for me to wait 3 hours in line to have my boys ride. If one drives this time, and I spend another 3 hours (6 hours of my life) in line, the other one is not promised a shot himself. I have had numbers of times I sit on the end seat on the submarine ride or Star Tours, its just random and I am stuck.

I have a bad feeling about this. I think that this is a great “concept ride” which will make a few people happy, and generally disappoint the hell out of everyone else.

I have been going to Disneyland for 47 years. What do I know? I know Disneyland adapts, changes, and moves with its own life. It rejects what is not popular (if you don’t count the first iteration of DCA) and modifies the experience to make it more digestible.

I hope it works but I do not see the “dream” in the real world. I see “Galaxy” in a year becoming less and less “interactive” the way I have seen the Disneyland shops clothing go from distinct at each store to more generic fare across all stores. They used to be really distinct. People don’t always want that. They want safe. I also see “Falcon” becoming more and more like a 6 person version of Star Tours, and the mission like the linear change to Indiana Jones. Everyone shares a common happy experience and leaves satisfied. To do otherwise breaks about every tenant Walt Disney had when he built the place to being with.   

And then I just saw that they are adding alcohol to the equation. Wow. Just Wow.